📍 Location: Columbia, SC — Exit 5, the state’s leading exporter of regret.

🕒 Time of Incident: 10:42 a.m. (Eastern Chaos Time)

🚓 Charges: Public Obscenity, Disorderly Tailgating, and Aggravated Foam Fingering.

🧾Incident Summary

Witnesses say Cocky the Gamecock was taken into custody Saturday after flashing a foam finger at rival fans and yelling, “I crow when I want!” — an apparent reference to both his species and his bail history.

Security reports indicate the mascot had been “overhydrated” on Fireball samples, which he reportedly described as “sports water for winners.”

Moments later, Cocky attempted to crowd-surf across a beer pong table, landed on a portable grill, and shouted, “Now it’s a cookout!” before being tackled by a man dressed as a traffic cone.

Police arrived to what one officer called “a poultry riot,” featuring four overturned coolers, two broken folding chairs, and a spontaneous mosh pit chanting “Free the Bird!”

🔥Evidence Collected

• One foam finger (index finger missing, middle finger taped upright)

• Empty six-pack of Cluck Lite beer

• Glitter-stained megaphone labeled “Coop Commander”

• Half-eaten Bojangles biscuit (classified as “comfort carb”)

• One singed feather, possibly self-inflicted

🧃Statement from the Mascot Union

“Cocky has always been a free spirit and a proud bird. We do not condone his behavior, but we admire his commitment to emotional expression — even when it involves public crowing.”

University officials confirmed Cocky will face a one-game suspension, a $50 fine, and mandatory “Anger Henagement” classes, pending review by the Department of Poultry Relations.

🧠SatirDay Crime Desk Take

Every mascot hits a breaking point.

Some throw hands.

Some throw shade.

Cocky threw a middle feather and a propane tank.

He’ll be back by kickoff — feathers singed, pride barbecued, and still convinced the cops “started it.”

South Carolina may forgive, but the foam finger never forgets.